love… how to deal?
Posted by: unbreakabler on: June 23, 2008
Might be a little rambled and jumbled and flip floppy.. but thats what blogs are for right?
love
An indescribable feeling, heart races, hands sweating, knees are weak what is this??
the kind of unconditional love you get from you parents.. aren’t they suppose to love you forever and ever no matter what?? So shouldn’t i love them the same?
I never knew the true meaning of love. I never knew how to trust myself with someone else let alone trust myself with myself. I never could believe what people told me but then again I never believed anything I told people. I had so many different stories it was hard to keep them straight. Why? The only thing that I can think of that makes any kind of sense is that I was competing. I love my brothers all of them, but growing up in a house that one in particular is the center of attention and can do no wrong son, the golden child if you will is hard. So when I did something that i knew in my heart was bad or not the right thing, i lied and acted like it never happened because i didn’t want them to think less of me, i wanted to be the one they were proud of, so instead of just doing the right thing and making them proud that way i just “pretended” that i was the good one. So in the sense of why did i spend 95% of my childhood and teen years lying?? Well the explanation sucks!! I feel like I betrayed my family, how could I look someone I love in the eye and say “Nope, I didn’t do it!” Well regardless of what i did back then today is anew day.. lying is just .. unacceptable i hate when people lie to me why would i lie to people? Do unto others as you would want them to do to you. Well if only it were that easy.
What do you do when someone has lied to you.. from the start..big and small.. but you believed them from the start… so where do you go from here? Things have changed, they’ve changed and from what you understand they don’t lie. But you still always think, what if? What if they lie about this or that or this.. and it just drives you crazy. What do you do then? Give up on everything and say oh well or fight it out and learn to trust?
Maybe you know because I don’t.
2 Responses to "love… how to deal?"
June 26, 2008 at 3:47 am
I read your words and I honor you for your vulnerability. You have grown and it brings me joy.
I will never forget Robert who stood at your mom’s and my wedding and spoke. He spoke about only one thing and that was TRUST. After 10 years of marriage, I understand even more so the value of that word. It is the cornerstone of love. And quite ironically, love seems to be a cornerstone of trust.
So, you ask some powerful questions. So powerful that they beckon me to share with you something that I’ve not known how. Perhaps it is your courage that inspires me.
That person you describe – your old self – I know very well. Sometimes like it was yesterday as a matter of fact. Your lies use to torment me because I held such love in my heart for you. Even though I could see beyond the lies (sometimes), they built on top of each other until I became numb to your words. It crushed me. To this day I am sad about that. I am sad that I turned away, and yet I knew no better. What I did know, and still do, is that trust is fragile. It is what gives love it’s crystalline structure. You see? Love is not fragile on it’s own as many say. It is trust that is. And once it’s broken, it may repair soon enough, but if dropped again and perhaps more, what then?
Now time has passed. I have been healing on the inside from what seems like years of battle with you. We will never get those years back. They are gone. Even so, and perhaps what matters more, is that we are here. The future has not yet been written.
The truth is, you have been a great gift in my life. I now know that even though trust can be shattered and relationship wounded, the strength of love can offer forgiveness and healing. I apparently still am in that process of healing, and I want you to know – my love for you has always been there, buried underneath.
“Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun’s love
in the spring
becomes the rose”. – Bette Middler
I do love you. In my heart you will always be my daughter.
June 25, 2008 at 4:49 pm
The secret is in your own heart. Trust. Sometimes people aren’t worthy of your trust, but you can learn to know that in your heart and learn to recognize the symptoms of an untrustworthy person.
I practiced something while you were growing up and your words here demonstrate to me that it was worth the effort. I always looked past this moment…you know the one we were standing in while you made up your story about what was going on or not going on….and I saw you in my minds eye as a strong, honest, trustworthy woman that didn’t feel like she had to manipulate to get what she wanted. I saw past your need to throw up a smoke screen and believed in you. You are that woman and becoming more of her everyday.
I can’t tell you how to recognize those people that you can trust – you have to learn that one on your own, or tell you how to trust the ones you love even when there’s doubt. What I can tell you is that when you focus on trusting someone and treat them as if they are trustworthy if they are they will show up for you and help you believe. If they are not, you will eventually know for lies have a way of finding their way to the truth…as you so beautifully expressed.
btw…I am proud of you.
love your devoted mother….