its been my mistake to include”family“ on my decisions of my relationship with my boyfriend. My choice, and it’s obvious.. that was a dumb choice. Now they are aware of every thing that has went on prior to now.  Over a period of 3 years I have been through lies,cheating, and a broken heart. What some people don’t seem to realize is that I am a strong WOMAN I can handle a lot. Yes my heart was broken and it did hurt at that time. Many don’t realize I get mad and get over things very quickly.. I don’t hold grudges and exspecially with someone I care deeply about and means the world to me. I make one of two decisions. I work through it and make things work.. or I cut off all ties with that situation/person/realationship. There is no longer an imbetween for me. More with age I realize what matters most to me. HE GETS ME.. he gets THE REAL ME. and some may think they know the real me and they don’t. Maybe it would of been different if we didn’t become so attached so quick.. but in my eyes everything happens for a reason. && this reason for me seems to be.. I needed to grow, mature, and move on with life. Everyone experiences change.. everyone has to learn..something. and everyone has different ways of learning. I learn through pain obviosuly. I can never do anything wrong without getting in trouble for it. It’s always been that way.. I don’t think there is anything in my past that my mom doesn’t know about because for the simple fact.. I always get caught.  This is how I learn. This is when I choose to move on.  Yes he lied. So did I. Yes he cheated..  Yes he’s changed. so did I. Yes I have made him a better person. And he has I. I love him he loves me. We are ready to take any obstacle in this fucked up world to continue our journey in life together. We have come so far.. we have so far to go. If it wasn’t for him .. I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t be drinking like my friends I wouldn’t be partying like my friends I wouldn’t be sleeping with multiple guys just because they think im cute. I can’t honestly say that. But because of him I have learned to respect myself more and trust myself. I have learned that the “party scence” isn’t for me and that I’d rather have a steady guy in my life that loves me for me and treats me like a princess… I don’t think I have to justify whether or not I am being treated right. I think I know I am. When life gets tough most of the time you just want to give up… and i have given up.. many of times. And for some reason I always go back.. and most of the time yes He lets me know of all the times that we have shared that have been amazing he lets me know of the plans in the future that we want to make happen and that effects my decision. But in the end. It’s not him who makes me come back No one can MAKE me do anything. I am a grown woman I make my own decisions. People alter those decisions. BUt in the end its mine. I watch him grown and see the way he acts and reacts about things and he is maturing. All men have a hard time growing up. I’ve witness this and i’m sure every woman on this earth knows this. But its our choice to decide if this person is worth wating on to grow up. I get told many times that he will never change.. really?? Well if that was true I would be the same person that I was 2 years ago. Just something to think about.  If he won’t change the way he acts about things then I must have just been giving hope to something that doesn’t exist. Not really.. because everything he has said he will change.. he has. With exception to some things.. Things i can live with.. and I know in the long run he will grow out of. I don’t doubt us for a second. He is my soulmate he is the one that will support me and my decsions in life. Funny when you can count on a boyfriend of 3 years more than a parent of 20. From this day forward I will no longer defend my relationship I will no longer speak of it to anyone that has anythign negative to say. I will no longer let my familys opinion affect my decision to stay or not to stay with him. IF you ask about us. I will simply reply with “we are fine.”

just a note to those who are curious.

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world

Love is strong yet delicate. It can be broken. To truly love is to understand this. To be in love is to respect this.

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.

Love is like a mountain, hard to climb, but once you get to the top the view is beautiful.

Love is not blind – It sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

The house wreaks of cigarettes and alcohol.. nothing new, hearing him scream at the top of his lungs and ol school 70’s song .. he looks so happy but he’s got to be so miserable.. Never knowing what to expect. Promises of money, happiness and so much more is all just a broken record i’ve heard before. “Please stop” , i’ve said millions of times. Never hearing or seeing the hurt that is in my voice. He just keeps on, like he has nothing to live for anymore. Why? He is the 100% Christian who goes to church every Sunday comes home and drinks 20 Red Dogs *beer* Takes about 7 or 8 shots of long Island Ice tea Mix, smokes about 10 cigarettes in 3 hours. And lectures me about how I should live my life. Because his is so fucked up he thinks he can tell me what is right and wrong? Learn from what others teach you, good or bad, It takes a special kind of person to sit there and let someone kill themself. How can you do it? How can you know that something is SO bad for you that you are risking this life that “SOMEONE” has given you just to do something that isn’t all that great to begin with? What it shuts out all the fucked up shit you got going on in your life for a good HOUR .. depending on how much you drink, well for him he should be on a 24 hour high for as much as he does. People make me sick. Its disgusting. I’m glad I can stand strong and never back down to the pressure of drugs and alcohol. i know my limits and i’ll never surpass them. I love the people in my life that understand this. Not quite done with this thought but its a start.

We were given the illusion of power
By the perception of the mind
When we are only as strong
As the meaning assigned
If your feelings were hurt
We are not responsible
Its your prejudice feelings concerning us
That’s probable
Each of us were randomly picked
And assigned a definition
We don’t dictate our purpose or mission
That’s all up to the intention
Of who originated the statement
We just fall victim to interpretation
Be it lyrics, text or conversation
With or without explanation
Sometimes we often get lost in translation
We’re constantly used & abused
Due to various views
People may be left confused
But don’t get it misconstrued
Blame the builder not the tools

If words have so much power…
Why is that my strongest emotions & feelings……
Leave me speechless
And cannot be accurately translated
Into words???
Instead….
Much of the meaning
Is in fact
Lost in translation.
I as a poet
Understand that
The true power lies
In my ability to take these words
And present them in such a way
That their very apparent weaknesses
Are virtually unnoticeable.
Words are just my tools
That I use to build upon your perception
As structures are constructed in your mind
To emulate those which are present within my own
So that you may see things
As I see them
The perception…
this is the crucial element.
Words are nothing without a meaning
That’s why we have dictionaries
To present to you an assigned meaning
For the words
So that your perception
can have a reference point
in which to build upon
When you get hurt by whats said to you
Its not the words themselves that hurt you
But the meaning perceived
As well as who says them
Our perceptions
Are what gives the words power
Not only that
But who says them
For example…
If someone whom you don’t care for
Says “I love you”
Its not gonna carry the same weight
As if someone who you feel strongly about says it
Why is that?
I mean….
They said the exact same thing
Right?
So why the big difference?
If it were the words that were so powerful….
You would have the same the reaction in both circumstances
Thats because its not the words
But your feelings & emotions that are powerful
Which were triggered by your perception
Of what was said
This why it is very important to not just
Focus on what is said
But on what is meant by what is said
If words were so powerful
There would be no misunderstandings
Or break down in communication
I would be able to translate my most powerful feelings
Emotions into words effortlessly
There would be no such thing as writer’s block
Words are like empty boxes
And it’s the meaning that we pack into those empty boxes
That give them the weight

its like a when a person builds an ice sculpture….was it the icepick that built it? or the sculpter..who happened to use the icepick?

we are the sculptors…..the words are the ice picks…..the sculptures are in the perceptions

Stuck in my thoughts..questioning my actions and wondering why things happen the way they do. I use to think that everything that happened to me was someone else fault. Until just recently when I guess I had a realization, I still am thinking that way. I preach on and on and on about how much I’ve grown in other aspects of my life and how I am such a different person. Well I am, but not entirely. I have trust issues just because I am human and I have feelings. But holding on to them until I die will not help me become a greater human being or a greater soul in general. Talking and working out my feelings is what will help me grow. Well let me rephrase that, talking with the person or persons that are giving me the trust issues about the trust issues will help me grow. Sheltering myself from hurt and pain will not change how I feel in future relationship when it comes to men. I am with a person that loves me completely for who I am. No matter how crazy my family is no matter if he’s never heard of half the stuff I talk about because we come from two different back grounds to different lifestyles. He listens and learns from what I try to teach him about life, from what I have learned from the people that have taught me so well,*mom* so that he can not be so narrow-minded and so judge mental. And he has. I was blind sited to the fact that right before my eyes this person that I met, 7 years ago, was changing. Not only has he matured not only has he accepted my crazy family and my crazy SELF he has become a better person for himself. And while this is going on I’m still acting the same way I use to I’m still manipulating the situation so that I can blame him for every thing that i don’t like about us. I blame him for things that I cause, I blame him for not understanding things that no one else could possibly understand. When we first met I felt so insecure I felt like I had to compete. I’ve never felt like that in any relationship. And I blamed him for that, but really it was my own thoughts that made me come to that conclusion. I got insecure because I gave him his thoughts, meaning I made up in my head what I thought he was thinking, when he never said one word about it. Love is blind sometimes. In every aspect of a relationship love is blind, blind to the fact that it could be me that is messing this up that is the reason behind the fights that is the reason behind the break ups. I’ve come to realize, OK NOW YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE THIS DATE AND TIME DOWN CAUSE IT WILL BE A TIME TO REMEMBER, It’s not all about ME! If I keep going through life thinking everyone has to give me everything that I want when I want it. I’m not going to get anywhere because that is not in “my cards” Some people yes they are just given things. Not I. I had to pick the woman that taught me otherwise. And I don’t regret it one bit. So to end this, I have found myself from a relationship that I thought I would lose. From someone that is willing to teach me things and also willing to learn. It’s my time to grow up, and make the people that I love proud.

I love everyone in my life and I am so thankful for the support and love I get from them!

Thank You!

]]>