Sometimes what we are feeling seems overwhelming and we try to stop feeling it. Anger can feel like something to stop, to get rid of…but perhaps it is just a message from our inner self that guides us to greater knowledge that can improve our quality of life. Before you push the anger down or throw it at someone else take a look and see…what’s in this for me?

Might be a little rambled and jumbled and flip floppy.. but thats what blogs are for right?

love

An indescribable feeling, heart races, hands sweating, knees are weak what is this??

the kind of unconditional love you get from you parents.. aren’t they suppose to love you forever and ever no matter what?? So shouldn’t i love them the same?

I never knew the true meaning of love. I never knew how to trust myself with someone else let alone trust myself with myself. I never could believe what people told me but then again I never believed anything I told people. I had so many different stories it was hard to keep them straight. Why? The only thing that I can think of that makes any kind of sense is that I was competing. I love my brothers all of them, but growing up in a house that one in particular is the center of attention and can do no wrong son, the golden child if you will is hard. So when I did something that i knew in my heart was bad or not the right thing, i lied and acted like it never happened because i didn’t want them to think less of me, i wanted to be the one they were proud of, so instead of just doing the right thing and making them proud that way i just “pretended” that i was the good one. So in the sense of why did i spend 95% of my childhood and teen years lying?? Well the explanation sucks!! I feel like I betrayed my family, how could I look someone I love in the eye and say “Nope, I didn’t do it!” Well regardless of what i did back then today is anew day.. lying is just .. unacceptable i hate when people lie to me why would i lie to people? Do unto others as you would want them to do to you. Well if only it were that easy.

What do you do when someone has lied to you.. from the start..big and small.. but you believed them from the start… so where do you go from here? Things have changed, they’ve changed and from what you understand they don’t lie. But you still always think, what if? What if they lie about this or that or this.. and it just drives you crazy. What do you do then? Give up on everything and say oh well or fight it out and learn to trust?

Maybe you know because I don’t.